Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Ready, set...JUMP! (now hit publish.)

Hi. I am Sandi Howard and having my art/writing online is a goal I've had for a few years. In fact, I have had a web-site and blog for several months. But nothing was moving forward. I just couldn't make it to this point. A few times I showed my art to friends and family, and to my relief they jumped at the opportunity and bought up all of my inventory each time.

A few days ago, something changed. I decided not to enter another year, afraid. Though to be honest, it still feels quite daunting. So, here goes....

Today- ten years ago, I found out that I was pregnant with my first child, a daughter named Davia Juliet.*

Tonight- eight years ago, she passed away.
And I was left with a choice. I had to audibly and physically choose to continue to love, in spite of the very real and very horrible risk that comes along with loving and being loved. I had to allow beauty to permeate my soul again. It took time and for some time, I felt no joy and saw no beauty.

Since that time I have grown, given birth again and adopted four older children. Yet, all the while, fear has been lurking in the background. Fear of losing someone dear to me, fear of this unknown and very temporary earth, but most of all the fear that perhaps all I have to share... is not enough. That it will be like dust in the wind.

It dawned on me, during the last year, that this bondage to fear has stolen my joy.
So, tonight despite the fact that my artfire shop pictures will not load and my head hurts from crying and that I am not really ready to present my naked thoughts and my art to the world....
Here I am.

I am Sandi. I am an artist. I make piles instead of cleaning. I am not a trained seamstress. And regrettably, I could not save my daughter's life eight years ago. I love buttons and fabric and beads and thread. I love rainstorms and laughter and I think that it matters that I'm still here with you, creating and loving.
I would love to share my art and my story with you.

Feel free to journey with me.

Tonight: I take back the joy I lost and I begin to share again what I make and what I do and who I am.

Goodnight to you. And to my Davi..I miss you.
I pray that by living on purpose, I honor you, my lovely daughter and our Father who made us and knit us together, ten very short years ago.

Thank you, my friends.

Here we go!



  1. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes feeling so sorry that you had to go through this. I have no idea of the trauma that it must be to lose a child. I really don't even want to think about it but I am because you and Sean had to, because you went and am going through it.
    Thank you for your vulnerability and courage. I look forward to hearing more from you.
    There is something about Sean and you and your kids that gives me enjoyment. I think it's your love of life that I notice. God bless you

  2. Bravo, my love! Here's to our journey to reclaiming our joy and our hope together!

  3. sandi, i'm so glad you're starting this. you are such a wonderful person. you are one of those people that when you meet them you just can FEEL how special and good you are. the kind of person that brings joy to the room when you enter it just by the energy about you. i really mean it. you make me feel happy just being able to hang with you. i hope we can do that more. :)

    i am so glad to have met you. and in a sad way, i'm glad to know another person that shares the pain of losing a child. not that i am in any way glad that either of us went through it, of course...but just to know that there is a dear friend out there that understands that hole in your heart. it never goes away, it just lessens, huh? (only to come back and hit you in the face when you least expect it) i swear whenever i think about it i can almost physically feel that pain.

    i feel you, friend. and if there's anything you ever need...or just want someone that knows that pain to talk to. please know that i am here.